I searched for "english speaking therapy in Düsseldorf", I open the first result with a 5/5 rating and it says that "Please note that the practice has presently no capacity for new clients. Thank you for your understanding". looking more I find out there are not many options in my city, another website had a similar message of no appointments available. I found it funny that if I want to pay someone to listen to me it's still not that easy. I opened one of the sponsored links that offer online therapy sessions one where you can directly search for therapists without filling out lots of forms in the beginning, I enter düsseldorf in the search field and it has one result. To proceed I have to write an introduction message for the therapist so they can decide if they want to accept me. After an hour of procrastination, I wrote. I had to reread it frequently because I miss some words from sentences in my mind when I am typing them.
Dear Dr. …,
Recently I am struggling more and more to go through life. When I wake up I look forward to sleeping again and I can't enjoy even my leisure time. I have had mental issues as far as I remember and my well-being has been better or worse in different periods, nevertheless, I kept going on, not as good as I would have imagined or wanted. I suffer from occasional self-loathing and trying to stay positive has been always so difficult for me. I have many inadequacies and weaknesses, especially in social skills, however, I think not being able to stay positive is the main problem that hinders my life. I feel regret and guilt of done wrongs in the past and anxiety about what happens next. One of the first times me going to a dentist I remember that he told me I'm grinding my teeth too much they have gotten too flat.
My personality type is called logician so I'm supposed to think logically, I have been once even diagnosed with mild autism. When I was around 15 my cousin gifted me a book (The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night) and the first page teaching what smiling or sad facial expressions mean caught me off-guard, like he thought I don't know what those mean? why was I and still am so insecure about my social behavior? anyway, then why am I acting so emotionally and impulsively in many situations? I'm jumping around between different things in life (like right now) that I didn't get deep and professional in anything. however, I still don't know if I prefer the times when I was on couple of Ritalins daily or without it. I have of course thought about all of the whys and hows, and also read and watched a huge amount of content on them. I relate and connect the behaviors my parents had with me to shaping my personality and all the events that could have caused a behavior in me. I hope these relations could be more useful than me being able to shift the blames to other directions.
Like, you could say take it easy man, just enjoy the normal things, reduce your stimulation, work out, be grateful and you will feel better. I do agree with you, yet here I am. I'm going all over the place again, so the point is, I need someone else in the thought process to direct it out of this endless high-friction cycle. moreover, there is a sense of relief when you complain about what bothers you. You can't complain to your friends though, they have their own issues and they can't handle much of it, they deserve to get positive energy. A few years ago I wrote a super long rant of my traumas and when I read it I was like this is too dark for any reader, if I am gonna write like this or create such content no one would like it. That self censoring is much broader on every level that overtime represses the creativity and expression. which currently I beleive is a purpose I can pursue. The more time passed I got less and less creative like a slow death. That's why I want to talk to a therapist, with no expectations, but hope of some new light.
After sending the message, I realized that it was for an online session, in fact, I knew, then why did I have to search for one who is in Düsseldorf lol. I wonder if she would actually read what I wrote.
When there is a lot to unpack it seems like a long rant, and it loses its face value, content has to be efficient, straight to the point, charming, and provide you with the proper amount of dopamine per second. When writing after each sentence many different connected topics come to my mind but then it will be chaos. So maybe I try to write about each and focus on structuring them. I was afraid of sharing content and expressing in general, I am gonna write about that too. Now I don't care if my content is not providing enough value, I just do it for the sake of it. I told myself so long why to add more rubbish to this endless clutter that I couldn't come up with anything. I don't care if I don't post as frequently as I should and I stop doing it like hundreds of other projects. Maybe there is one person out there who finds this worthy and if not, I don’t blame myself.