I was trying to find some ideas to enhance the animated sphere I created with help of a YouTube tutorial. Skimming through the documentation of Three.js, a library for building interactive 3D websites, I stumbled upon a section about how to import models from Blender. It’s essential for more complex projects so I dive in. Wow, it's been such a long time since I worked with Blender. Reminiscing, I open an isometric café model from my archive in Blender and play with the rendering. After around half an hour of adjusting lights and materials, it occurs to me that I am not focusing on 3D modeling in general now, so spending more time on this won't lead anywhere. With that in mind, I redirect my attention back to the ongoing project.
For starters, I can write a simple car racing game where you can steer left and right while driving toward the horizon, similar to a famous mobile game I don't remember the name of. I envision it in a retro cyberpunk style and grab my Remarkable to draw some sketches of how it may look like and figure out the next steps. Opening the sketches folder, I came across a sketch from the doodle course that I bought around a year ago. I remember that I just did the first lesson. I login to Domestika, open the second lesson, and start drawing. It is about creating characters based on the writing tool sketches from the first lesson. I wonder how competent I would be by now if I practiced daily for the last year.
In school, I used to draw doodles in the corners of book pages with a ballpoint pen. I naturally did whenever I had a pen and a surface to draw on in front of me. A couple of weeks ago we were in the James Joyce bar talking about self-acceptance with two of my friends. My friend had a pen so I got it from her and gradually added details to my doodle on a coaster. When I just sit and want to doodle something, I don't do it as well as when I am doing something else, and drawing lines happens on the side without thinking. In the end, I am usually amazed by the unplanned results. Caring less about the result and time makes drawing chiller.
Time to return to the Chromakritters (the name of my Three.js project). I close the Domestika tab and look at other tabs, beside the Three.js tabs there are 8 tabs open about how to connect LLMs with external data and API docs. I have kept them open since last weekend so I don't have to find them again to continue. Last weekend I wanted to make a customizable chat interface that I would connect with various APIs, and share it on GitLab. To clean up the tabs bar, I added the tabs to a reading list and closed them. Kind of similar to me keeping my desk and room clean and minimal to feel less overwhelmed, as I throw everything in the wardrobe to keep them out of sight. They are still there, just out of sight and less bothering. All the web pages that I save to read later are almost never read later because of new and more relevant ones in the never-ending queue.
The struggle with focusing on one thing I believe, stems from my toxic relationship with time. Being lost led me to get a 9 to 5 which has side effects like canceling my Adobe subscription because of not using it for a while. I thought of a full-time job as a temporary phase until I figure myself out. Although it may have helped my sleep routine, it hasn't reduced the friction of me being impaired at multitasking and being interested in many things. Two months ago I got to talk to a new girl in book club after the book discussion. She did oil paintings as a hobby and sold them from time to time on Etsy. I asked her to show me her Instagram. Scrolling through her professional portrait paintings I thought about how every girl with curly hair I know is proficient at painting. I wanted to interact more with her but I had nothing published as worthy to show to keep her interest in me. I tried to be creative, in my way, I just didn't focus enough on anything to make it presentable.
FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS I repeat in my mind and look at the LED box with FOCUS letters on it, contemplating if I can recall the state of taking 3 Ritalins daily as it was. I remember enough that there was a reason that I stopped taking them six years ago. Why can’t I focus not only on the short-term tasks but also on the long-term goals? Robert Green in Mastery has some tips on how to find what you are good at which can become the purpose and focus of your life. Though after reading and thinking about the chapter I couldn’t find it. Probably I didn’t try enough. To not go on the path of blaming myself I think of Johann Hari's Stolen Focus. Most chapters are about how external causes are making everyone neurodivergent and how it’s not their fault.
Neither is it about finding faults and reasons nor is it about refraining from self-improvement. In any state, I can improve the quality of my experiences and feelings. I let go of an objective success and everything is easier. Even if I choose the wrong field and approach, it’s irrelevant because of its subjectivity.